Give up the Heart (LevixMale Oc)
by Levi. M. M
Summary: Remembering is one of the hardest things to do.Katsuki never forgets the people who have died,his family,his squads but also where everything began.Everything was different from his life in the Survey Corps and in the Underground as Katsuki be able to stop the relationship that will develop between him and a certain short, grey-eyed man or be able to separate love and duty?
1. Prolouge

"Katsuki! Come back here!" A woman laughed as she chased her small child. Her blue-gray eyes shining while a man plowed the yard behind a tiny house. Katsuki looked behind his shoulder, giving her a toothy grin before jumping onto a branch of a tree. His beautiful wings were glistening.

"Don't get carried away, your mother isn't as young as she used to be." The man popped out of nowhere, his plow over his shoulder and hat shading his face from the hot day. His dark green eyes moved from his son to wife, looking at her up and down. "I should know."

"Yeobo!" She gasped while he wrapped his strong arms around her. Her face reddened, ears turning red. "Don't say such things!"

"It's not like there is anybody around, we live miles away from the nearest city, let alone neighbors." He took off his hat and put it on his wife, giving her a kiss before going back. Katsuki watched the two in their exchange. His mother's pale skin - her veins showing on the inside of her arm, the light blue seams weaving. While his father had warm sun-kissed skin from working outside for so long.

Katsuki's mother smiled, turning her attention to her son. "Come down, we should get to working on dinner!" Opening her arms, Katsuki flew into them and hugged her. She almost buckled at the force and sudden weight.

"Let's go, Mama!" The small child wrapped his arms around the woman's neck. Nuzzling into her neck and taking a deep whiff of her natural strawberry scent. Katsuki's mother played with her son's hair as a weak melody rang loudly in the boy's ears. With heavy steps, Katsuki watched as the scenery soon changed from the outside world to the inside of their abode.

Almost everything was made of wood and stone, the walls were layered with wood and rubbed down to create a smoothness that wouldn't allow them to splinter. There was a fire pit with the newest kitchenware such as a 'stove'. The wood collecting never stopped though because even the stove needed wood. Next to the stove was a sink with counters, drawers of knives and all needed items.

"Come on Kat. You need to sit down next to Papa and eat..." Everything was tranquil. The food was soon set and served, a single chair left unused at the opposite side of where Katsuki's father sat. The mother looked at her family and smiled contently with the two males that were a constant source of love and happiness for her. It was picture-perfect for the family.

 ** _Knock. Knock. Knock._**

Katsuki looked at his parents with a confused face. "Was somebody supposed to be coming today Papa, Mama?" His parents were equally confused but then there was knocking once again. It was rushed this time and more forceful where it made the pit of the child's stomach sink. Almost everybody felt the dread seep into the air. "P-Papa? Mama-!"

 **CRACK**

The door cracked, the wood splintering loudly against the hatched that was lodged in it while another swung its way down into Katsuki's father. His blood dramatically spluttered all over the two invaders and the wooden walls. The two men were dressed in black and gray with cloth bandaged around the lower half of the faces. "Get the kid and woman." One of them said.

"Mama~!" Was all the young boy could say as his mother blew into a rage, grabbing one of the kitchen knives and defending her child from the men. She screamed, clawed with her free hand as the other swiped the knife down sporadically. The men took a step back while Katsuki moved back slowly towards his bedroom.

"Katsuki! Run, run away!" The mother screamed as her nails contorted from the usage, bending slowly and then breaking off horizontal in a clean cut. Her nose is now crooked as the blood dripped down slowly. Katsuki watched her tears run down her face and then looked at his father. He choked on his own blood, bloodshot eyes blinking and glossed from the tears as well. There was nothing that he could do to help them. The boy ran towards his room and pushed the slightly heavy bed to barricade the door.

All he could do was sit there while he listened to the chortled sounds coming from his father and screams of his mother. Was there nothing he could do? Why did he run...? Questions flickered through his mind like a flurry before remembering what his mother had told him. 'Run.' His blue eyes went to the window, slowly opening it so that it would creak loudly. He lifted his small body over the threshold and gasped while the cold grass tickled his bare feet. From there, he quickly pushed himself from the ground and started running, the only instinct that drove him to move. To run.

Running could only bring you so far though.

The forest was unforgiving and cold. "Never go into the forest..." Katsuki bantered with himself, mimicking his mother's voice. "But mama- No buts Katsuki."

"Oh, little boy. Come out little one." A smooth and deep voice echoed in the darkness. He could barely see a couple of yards ahead of him before either tripping on an uprooted branch or bumping his sides into trees within Titan forest. Katsuki could feel the fear shiver up from his feet to his head, his spine rattled loudly in his ears while he tried to process what to do next. His back hit the tree trunk softly before realizing that he had wings. He could fly away, he could get help- He could have saved his mother-

Katsuki was in such a state of shock and terror that he couldn't move though. The voice echoed louder and louder around him, almost like a wolf stalking its prey. The wolf knew where he was but it was playing with its food, watching it contently while the rabbit in front of it nearly dies from heart failure. Katsuki covered his mouth while he cried and cried and cried. In the end, he couldn't do anything while the wolf came closer and closer. Katsuki's blue eyes looked at the ground while the footsteps were now in range. Small squeaks made his head turn to the side to see a mouse grooming itself innocently, hopping on its large feet and scuttling across the floor. The mouse took a mushroom and started to gnaw on it quickly. A snake slithered across the forest ground towards an unsuspecting mouse, circling its side before striking and wrapping its body around the tiny animal.

"I found you now boy..."


	2. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Hello, I am uploading this as a teaser for a fanfic that I wrote similar to this. This is pretty much the rewritten version of this and I will be slowly updating the fanfiction because there is heavy editing. What you are reading is the end result of this chapter. Hopefully, there is more to come! Also, I have an adorable editor that I haven't told I was doing this, so hopefully it will be okay.**_ Cx _ **Enjoy and sorry for the slow updates! 3**_

"Fuck off!" I growled and bit the man's lip, tearing it off. The blood splattered all over me. My naked body felt the weight of the man as he slammed me against the floor and then stepping away.

"Argh!" He screamed as men came in the tend to him and his whimsical needs. A pair of footsteps came towards me and I could hear the sneer in the man's voice. He was a disgusting human.

"Maimed another, did you? Ha, you are becoming a nuisance. It's about the time we sell you, anyways." He sneered.

"GO TO HELL!" My hatred was seeping through as he chuckled from the power he thought he had. "You will pay for this!" I hissed.

"You are so cute. I wish I could fuck you all day." He whispered in a husky voice in my ear, his breath tickling it and I tried to pull away. "You know it for sure..."

"Bastard!" I can feel my hot tears running down my face. I hated him. I hated every man. I hated everyone. I hated all humans! Turning to my side, I let out a sob while everybody left. The bleeding man kept screaming and when they left, his cries became louder until it was silent.

I was like a dog, chained, my hands tied behind my back and wings bound behind me. I was nothing more than an animal in their eyes. The room was suffocating - there were no windows. The walls were a disgusting off-white that had red stains of what I assumed to be blood.

Blowing a strand of hair out of my face, I flipped my hair and kept looking around the room for anything. There was blood on the floor from the man who visited me last. The room was in utter disrepair - paint was peeling, the floors stained. Whispers of voices echoed outside.

My emaciated body was the only thing I could observe with awe. I never knew a body could look like mine, bones protruding here and there, my hip bones poking out. My knees were knobby, and even though I had some fat left, it felt like I wouldn't last long.

A pair of uniformed footsteps stood out from the other footsteps outside the door. Wheels were rolling along with them. Their ominous sound came closer and closer until it deafened my ears. The door opened with a loud moan, the bottom half scraping against the floor. Two men chatted among themselves a little before coming to me. One was a blond and the other was a pale skinned strawberry blond.

"What are you doing?" I challenged them while they undid the chain that held me at the neck. Their hands moved as if they have been doing this for years, and started to call me. In a blinding hope, I head butted the man next to me.

"Fucking shit!" He yelled in pain. The blond held his head while the other punched my stomach. "Put him in." I struggled the best I could against the pale man. He wrapped his arms around me and hauled me inside the cage like I was nothing. The blond swore under his breath, touching his head every now and then to see if there is any blood.

I felt the cold metal of the movable prison against my naked body while the pair talked around me. Locking it, hopes dwindled. I didn't have much. But the promise to live, to go through another day, another hour, another minute, another second to live. Even through this hell.

With no sense of time, I laid there in my cage like an exhausted animal. I watched the cream colored walls pass by and the feet of the two men move, one behind and one in front. More feet passed, some scuffled away, some stood there and then went back to doing their business. I closed my eyes.

 _Thun. Thun_. There was an echo now to the wheels of the cage, pushing it on uneven ground.

I swallowed and moved my head to give my attention to the mass of people which enshrouded the stage. Men and women looked at me, some directed their hands to touch my body. Growling, I met their eyes and they shied away. They whispered to each other, holding a bicolored panel in their hand.

"Get him on the stage!" My body froze from the voice that I have heard over and over again. Sir Flause, the head of the organization that kept me captive for so long. A fire burned in my stomach while I held still. I took a good look around to see the darkness of the area and lack of sunlight. I was in an underground section. The stalagmites moved above all. Some shimmering from the water on them as the candles reflected. The area looked immaculate in a depressing way. Candles were strewn about and prestige looking people surrounded the stage. Their ferocious and hungry eyes examined each angle of my body the best that they could.

Once again, the people's voices sounded like a buzz in my ears. Their heads moved from side to side in disorder, their mouths moving in anarchy. Their words came void to my ears while I watched from my cage in anticipation.

"Another fine specimen. A male hybrid. Black and white wings, midnight black hair, mesmerizing blue eyes. Malnourished and disobedient from I know. Perfect for decoration of any sort. Untouched in many ways. Sold in parts or whole, the bidder decides! Starting at twenty-five hundred!" The man bellowed out to the crowd, the number rising higher and higher. The bellowing man was round like a ball, ready to kick. His stomach jiggled while he shouted, stroking and twisting his mustache.

Letting out a blood-curdling scream, I cried out to whatever god there may be and asked him. I begged him to stop them. Mercy upon me is all I ask. Bartering for my own life, my head hung in shame. I waited for what seemed like forever as the auction went on.

"HALT!"

Looking up again, military looking men encompassed the entire place. Some defying gravity and hanging from the ceiling by wires. People were screaming, trying to get away. The fat auctioneer's eyes bugged out in horror. He dropped the microphone and scuttling away from his post. Everyone was running away from me, the officers, the people who came out of nowhere.

"Thank you." My neck strained while I tried to get a better look around. Whoever above, I gave my praise. The fat and jiggly man beaten, down and cuffed, another woman manhandled. In an odd way, I was happy to see them in so much fear.

"Damn it, we don't have the key." A bushy-browed man looked down at me, his eyes were a beautiful blue. Giving me a small smile, he knelt down and looked at me with kindness. "You're going to be all right." The cage moaned, the metal chopped into pieces at the top. "Hanji! What are you doing?!"

"It's made of a weaker metal. If our swords can cut through Titans, it should be able to cut through this." I couldn't see Hanji very while she sawed away, bending the metal the best she could with her hands.

Blood dripped from outside the hole, the two set of hands helping each other while I watched their labor. Hanji hissed in pain, Erwin kept silent but it was obvious that the cuts would leave scars. I didn't want them to let me out, it didn't feel right. Like a child, the bushy brow man leaned over to wrap his arms around me. Lifting me out and sat me down next to the new opening of the cage. "He isn't speaking Erwin..." The female looked at me, walking around me. Her eyes devoured every protruding bone to the hollowness of my stomach.

The sounds around me didn't faze my stoic face while 'Erwin' untied my hands from behind my back. I wrung my wrists and looked at them. "From what he went through, I don't blame him." Hanji nodded her head towards Erwin before picking me up.

"He's so skinny..." She trailed off, hopping off of the stage. "I'll take care of him, you go Cap'n." Hanji smiled at Erwin, giving a flirtatious wink. Erwin shook his head and walked away, giving orders and going off with a squad of people. Hanji kept her arms around me in a protective manner. "You are safe now, don't worry."

I bowed my head, leaning it against her somewhat flat chest. Every breath she made, every time her heart pumped, the blood flowing, I could hear it all. Hanji sat me down and knelt next to me, scrounging around her jacket before taking out a quarter of a loaf of bread. She handed over to me and I devoured it in an instant.

"Don't eat it too fast, kiddo. Good thing I saved this, huh?" Hanji's laughter rang in my ears while she took out another quarter of bread. "Don't eat it so fast, you might get sick." She gave me half of the piece, handing it to me before examining the area once again. "Can you stand?"

I looked into her deep brown eyes, past the square glasses strapped to her head, and got up. "Woah there." Hanji chuckled, wrapping an arm around me. Her oily and unkempt hair were in a ponytail with bangs framing her face. "This will be much easier, come on."

With a light grunt, Hanji carried me once again. I wrapped my legs around her waist and put my head on her shoulder. I am most definitely a child in this position. While she carried me, I watched the scene unfold as I watched from over her shoulder. Blood spilled once again. Women screaming while some men fought for what seemed like their lives. Refusing to give into the military men. "

Give the merchandise back!" Shivering, I pushed myself away from Hanji a bit to see Flause. His eyes enraged, lips curled in a cruel snarl. He reminded me of large and feral dog. Hanji shifted my weight and kept her arms around me tight.

We both knew that this was not going to end so well.

"On the count of three, run." She whispered into my ear and pressed the last piece of bread into my hands, I noticed the knife tucked beneath it. Flause growled from his stance, taking out a large knife and brandishing it towards us.

"FUCK, RUN KID!" Hanji tossed me to the side and lunged at Flause, grabbing his wrists but he was too strong for her. "Run!" Getting to my feet, I grabbed the knife that slipped out of my hold along with the bread and ran.

"Go!" There was a loud thud and yells while my feet carried me through the corridors and tunnels. The screams echoed and the light was dimming. Before disappearing into the darkness, I took the last lamp that was on the wall and ventured forward.

It felt like the walls were closing in on me. I couldn't see anything in front of me but there had to be an exit if there was an entrance for people to come in. Stopping, I sat down to collect my bearings. My heart pounded in my ears while I leaned my back against the tunnel wall. There was no sound and I felt more and more enclosed. It was worse than being in a cage, it was almost like drowning.

"Argh!" A far off scream echoed in the tunnel I was in. Getting up, I took the knife and pointed it in a random direction. There was only darkness. Putting the knife and bread away, my feet moved me forward into the tunnel. It was like a maze with its zig-zagging and dead ends.

 _Whooooosh~_

A draft, I never felt happier to feel a draft. My fingers trailed against the wall to give me some guidance. I walked in the direction of the draft, only to see a staircase. They had stones and at the top, there seemed to be some light. It was better than nothing. I moved forward and licked my chapped lips. The screams from before echoing once again from the darkness behind me. It was scary how inhuman they sounded. Glancing back, my bare feet made stripping noises against the steps. Feeling the skin on my feet peeling off, then gluing back on. At this point, there was an emptiness in my stomach. Is Hanji okay? What happened to Erwin? What are those screams?

Lost in my own thoughts, I felt the wind picking up once again and rush to the trap door ahead of me. It shuttered against the lock-latch. I couldn't help but notice the light that was on the other side, that seeped through the cracks and glowed.


	3. Chapter 2

My fingers fumbled with the clasp on the door. Turning it with shaking hands until there was a soft click of it turning a revolution. The spit in my mouth became thick and swallowing, I heaved the door open with both hands. The wind from the other side rushed in and pushed against my face. The pressure between the surface and underground balancing between.

I rose from the darkness of the staircase only to see busy lights and the loud rumbling of noise. The city was alive from around him, busting from the cornered off area that contained me. Blinking my eyes, I shadowed them to take a good look around, taking in the site in front of me.

Bodies were strewn about the ground, their limbs tangled and bent in odd directions. 'Those people came in through here.' The thought of that labyrinth of obscurity made me shiver in fear. "Whatever was or is down there..." Another gust of wind jittered my body with the cold.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I looked at the bodies again. I moved towards each one of them, taking a pair of black pants, a shirt from a younger looking corpse, shoes, and a belt. I didn't look at their faces, I didn't want to see their dull and dead eyes staring back at me. Slipping the clothes onto my body, I rolled up the sleeves of my new oversize shirt and buckled my belt.

I went back to the trap door. Peering into the abyss inside that devoured every single ray of light that captured into it. My hands lifted the rough and heavy wood, slamming it shut with a loud thud. "Phew..." A loud sigh of relief came out of my mouth and I could feel the weight of fear lifted off my shoulders. "I just need to find a way out now..."

I moved out of the dark alleyway, between a chapel and a bank. The chapel seemed to have loomed over the city with an ominous feeling of darkness that shrouded at the top. My feet carried me out the alley, weaving in and out of the lines and groups of people that littered all over the street, going about their own business and not giving me a second look. I needed to find another way out of this containment, to go and see the light. My eyes moved and I kept on looking around the dark city and busy street around me to see if anybody was following me.

I couldn't shake off the feeling that everyone was watching me even though I knew that nobody was. The people were bursting with life. Those who struggled for it were on the sides either begging, hooking, or stealing. A child bumped into me, his green eyes boring into mine as he gave me a glance and bowed his head. "Sorry." He said before grabbing at my pocket and running.

My body swiveled around and my eyes followed him while he ran with a small bag in his hands. I watched him with my mouth forming a small 'o'.

"I found you..."

The air slivered its way into my mouth and stuffed themselves into my lungs. I heavy hand pressed onto my shoulder, gripping it. It felt like it was going to break my shoulder will a single pull. "No...!" Turning my head, I moved my torso and looked at the man in front of me.

Sir Flause was there.

"Why did you wander off son?" His smile looked innocent but there was that cruel undertone that lingered. The people who were staring stopped then carried on as their suspicions got satisfied. I could tell that he was leaning on one of his legs more than the other. The blood seeping through the side of his shirt but it got covered by the black coat he wore.

"H-How..." I faltered back from him and he took a step forward towards me. I could smell the blood on him. What happened to the lady with glasses? Did he kill her?

"I managed to lose your friend, but I won't lose something as valuable as yourself." It was like a bug caught in a web, struggling to get out. While it watched its predator come at it with a certainty of its death. "Come on." He gave me a shove, pushing me back where I came from.

"Ah!" My legs gave out and sent me tumbling down onto the ground of an alley. Flause growled as his complexion of innocence changed a full 180 degrees. Changing back to the dog-like style that he had before. 'The knife...' A call came within my head and I pulled out the knife that was long forgotten out of my baggy trousers. With uncertain hands, I closed my hands around the handle. My fingers wrapping around the stomach of it while I pointed it at him with a tremoring blade.

He pulled away before he could swing his fist at me. Narrowing those shit-brown eyes at me before laughing. I lowered the blade, watching his mirthful expression. "You idiot...!" He continued, rubbing his eye before swinging at me. The force knocked me off my feet and made me drop the small glimmer of hope.

Flause slid the knife away and lowered himself to my level on the ground, kneeling down and punching my face over and over. His fingers slid themselves onto my shoulders and grabbed me. Slamming my back against the ground. I screamed the wings that were concealed underneath the loose shirt cracked loudly.

He tossed me to the side, watching my body roll on the ground. Like a cat, he analyzed me writhe in pain while he toyed with me. A chortled cry came out and I was crying now, the pain surging through my sensitive body. I face the wall and looked at the knife that I abandoned earlier. His staggering footsteps came close. I gripped the knife once again and twith certainty.

Flause set his foot onto my side, pressing it down and applying more and more pressure until he slammed it down. "Ah!" I screamed with all my power, swinging the knife and sinking the blade into his ankle before pulling it out.

His screams echoed in agony while he fell back on the dirty ground. "You bastard!" He shouted. I moved on top of him, blinded with only the thought of surviving while I bled from my head. The blood had dribbled down the side of my face, covering one of my eyes while I focused on him with my other eye.

I stared into his alarmed eyes, raising the knife and bringing it down in a swift movement. Doing this over and over, I then sliced down. Stabbing into his chest again and bringing the blade down inside of his body- opening up his chest cavity. With each slice and tear, the sounds of his flesh squelched with blood and squished in my hands. The red, warm, liquid splattered onto the walls. Squirting onto me, and leaked down onto the ground and staining it. Can't say that I didn't enjoy it, though, hearing his screams. It felt like a well-deserved vengeance. The thought of his warm blood on my skin filled the emptiness that was inside of me for such a long time.

I finished eviscerating his body. The contents were strewn around like a horrible nightmare. I made sure that nobody could recognize him, he didn't deserve even that. "Jesus..." A blond haired man looked at me from the mouth of the alley, somebody that is a head shorter standing at his side. The shadows covered the top half of their bodies but anybody would be shocked by the scene that they were seeing.

"Farlan, are you sure this is the man?" The shorter one asked, a hand on his hip and his other arm concealed as he took a sideways stance. The blond nodded, looking to the side at his accomplice. "Then stay behind me."

 _Drip-drop... Drip._

My body was rigid but heart at ease. The knife in my hand was warm while the blood plopped onto my pants. I moved my legs to unstraddle Flause's body and stood, pointing the knife at the two of them. The replenishment that replaced the emptiness in my stomach soon left. It filled itself with fear and anxiety. It wasn't because I got caught killing somebody, but the look in his eyes made my body scream to run.

"Go away..." The grey-eyed man's hardened eyes engraved themselves into my mind. As if they could tear me apart in an instant. "Please..." Backing away, my back hit the cold wall behind me while looking at him carefully. Short, that was the main thing that could be described about him and he had an undercut and toned body. He cornered me against the wall while the blond looked at the carnage in awe.

"We need to find the ring Levi, that is the only proof that could remain." Farlan plucked a knife out of his jacket and pushed the meat around, looking for what I would be guessing is the ring. The shorter man glanced back at Farlan for a moment. Before humming in response and pushing me back down with his eyes before I could even think of leaving. "Jesus fucking Christ, man..."

"Disgusting." Levi murmured under his breath, his hand brandishing a blade of his own in his hand. "You had to make a fucking mess, didn't you? At least you took care of half of the job for us." The metal object was pointed at me and this time I couldn't run. I was trapped all over again. I was caged like an animal in my own mind.

"Don't! Stop!" My sore throat croaked and the words came out light as air. He knelt at my level and shoved me back against the wall. "Please don't hurt me," I whispered to him, my breaths ragged and eyes looking back into his.

"Who is this man and what is he to you?" He had a curious undertone to his voice, but other than that it was mundane and deep. I blinked to figure out what he said, processing it. "Well?" Levi hit me against the wall.

I cried out, wincing as my wings were being crushed. "Sir Flause. I am nothing but property to him." Levi clicked his tongue and pulled away from me.

"Ha! Found it!" Farlan picked up a bright silver ring with gems covering it all around. It glimmered in the darkness of the alley. Under his shoes, the flesh squelched and blood splashed when he stepped in it. His leather shoes, covered in blood, and so were his hands. My body slowly slid itself down and I sat there. I couldn't move, nothing would move.

"Come on Farlan, we need to get this to our contractor for the rest of the payment." Levi turned around and put his knife away, stopping when he reached Farlan. "He won't hurt us."

"But what about him? He looks your age and how do you know that he is..."

"The last thing we need is another mutt to take in, besides, the fire in his eyes are gone." I watched as Farlan twiddled with the ring in his fingers, walking ahead of Levi and out the alley. Levi kept a slow pace and at the end of the alley, he turned back and looked at me. His eyes were soft, not the cold and hard ones that I saw earlier. It was like he was looking for something, not me, but at somebody or something in my place.

"Come on, Levi!"

"Coming..."


	4. Chapter 3

My body stayed slumped against the wall while everything in my body throbbed in pain. I sat there and listened to my haggard breath, trying to regain my composure and sense of humanity in the slightest. "Oh no, Erwin, here he is!" A warm hand touched my cheek and I couldn't help but flinch away from it. It was going to hurt me one way or another and I was sure of that. Not now, but maybe it will in the future. "Hey, it's me... We're here now, you're safe." A female voice whispered softly to me. I could feel her breath tickle my cheek lightly. It reminded me of my mother and how she would whisper sweet memories in my ear.

Relaxing my body, I looked up to see the two people I thought I was never going to see again. It was Hanji who was sporting a bloody nose and cut on her cheek and Erwin, the man who loomed over like an ancient and large tree with no visible injuries. "I thought you two were..." Trailing off, Hanji nodded her head and stood up. She grabbed both of my hands and pulled my weight up. She almost pulled my arms out of their sockets from the amount of force she used to jerk my body up quickly. Hanji is strong.

"It will take more than that to kill us. Come on, we need to go. We're out of gas too..." Erwin surveyed the bloody and cringed his nose at the torn body. He moved ahead of us, the blood sloshing against his feet and splattering onto his boots. Hanji grasped my hand and tugged me along. The people outside the alley peered from their monotonous lives, hoping to see something strange and intriguing.

"Move, move, move...!" Hanji spoke to me in a feverish tone, her strength dragging me alongside her while I tried my best to keep up with the two. "Come on!" Her words were harsh but desperate.

"W-What's wrong?" I spluttered out of my mouth, interested in the words she was saying to herself, calculating eyes looking around. "H-Hanji, what is wrong?" My blood soaked shirt hugged every inch of my body more and more while the sweat dripped down my forehead. Hanji and Erwin looked fine but were escalating the pace of their run. "Erwin!"

Scared, I swiveled my head and looked over my shoulder. I only saw the crowd of people who trailed their eyes at us, watching our retreating forms. The colors of the underground passed me, blurring in reds, browns, blacks, and yellows. It was like a ruined and complete picture that was disastrous in structure and perfect in fluidity. Hanji and Erwin's gear clanked against them, their feet thumping against the paved road.

If felt like hours before we started to reach what seemed like the edge of the city. Where there were large staircases leading upwards but toll-booth like building standing in front of it. Erwin opened the door and ushered us in. Once we were inside, I could feel the heavy ambiance within the air while two men guarded the entrance to the staircase. There was a small line of well-dressed people. Some wealthy looking and others middle classed, lucky to be above the poverty line.

"Keep your head down, don't look at them," Erwin said to me, taking his hand onto my head and pushing it downwards. We passed the line. Making the hostility from some people rise while they restrained themselves. "Second in Command, Erwin Smith. Captain Hanji Zoe and I are to move on with all personnel under our jurisdiction." Hanji's gripped slackened then squeezed my hand. I glanced up at her, looking back down before anybody could see my face.

"Well, I don't know..." One of the men said with a false uncertain voice, almost as if he was teasing Erwin. "There must be papers for at least him." I moved up head up and looked into his eyes. He was pointing at me with a relaxed pose until I looked at him. "The fuck?" I took a step back and hid behind the glasses woman, she taking a protecting stance in front of me.

"He isn't supposed to be here." The other said, glaring at Erwin. "He is property." Erwin looked between the two and gave them an icy glare. He didn't falter as the two men closed in on him. The line of people murmured behind us, some stepping back to separate us from them.

"He is not property any longer. We have full custody and if you try to keep us from passing, you will both face the consequences. Remember, I am Second in Command." The two men gritted their teeth. Their faces showing the internal debate of loyalty and perseverance.

"You may pass." The younger one caved in, his superior shooting him a dirty look. Hanji relaxed a bit, tugging me with her while we all make our journey up the stairs. That would take us to the ground above, where the light shone. Where there was the sun.

Another hand gripped mine, the fingers calloused and skin tougher than leather. "But you can't pass with him!" The elder guard pulled me down, my hand slipping from Hanji's grasp and sent me tumbling down the stairs. My already injured body screamed in agony, the cauterized wound on my head bled once again.

"No!" Hanji shouted and ran down the steps. Skipping some that made her slip and got sent tumbling down the steps. "Erwin!" The blond took out a knife and fought the man, ducking an uppercut that sliced the air.

Everything moved while I grabbed a knife from the younger guard. Moving to Erwin's side and pushing him back from getting cut. The knife sliced down my shirt and tore it, blood seeping out of it while I jabbed the blade upward with both hands. There were gasps and screaming soon to follow while the older guard fell to his knees. Blood spurt out of his mouth and onto my face while gurgling sounds escaping his mouth.

Hanji went over to my side while putting pressure to my chest. I watched the man that I stabbed twitch before it all stopped. The blade got lodged deep through underneath his jaw. Showing through his mouth as it cut through the middle of his tongue. "Erwin, we need to leave now!" Hanji cried out while placing her hands on me harder. My body felt weak from everything and the

"Let's go." He said, wrapping his arms around me and picking me up. I laid in his arms, my head flopped to the side. My eyes dropped every now and then. Our footsteps echoed the empty corridor. Each step defining my ears as we ascended upwards. "Don't go to sleep." He commanded his voice firm and invigorated a new fire inside of me. "Don't sleep yet, there is so much left to do."

"Hurry up, Erwin! He is bleeding out!" Hanji's quick pace resonated in my ears, the tip-tapping of her feet. Erwin picked up the pace as well, the weight of force he used to move faster moved me in his arms, rattling me. A gasp jolted my body.

"It hurts..." I cried out a little, moving my hand and gripping Erwin's white shirt. "It hurts..." The throbbing didn't stop. My head hurt, my chest burned, my wings felt broken underneath the shirt. The two moved as fast as they could, the wind blowing in my hair made me calm a little while. I shut my eyes to have to peace.

The wind blew in my hair.

Opening my eyes, I could see lights in the sky.

It was pitch black but had a beautiful blue hue while everything seemed more and more alive. Instead of the heavy darkness of the underground, there was a light and airy feeling to this darkness. Like a comforting feeling for the past to get forgotten and washed away in their depths. "Hanji, can you fix this now?"

"I am not a doctor, Erwin!"

Erwin stopped in front of two brown horses, both littered with black and dark brown spots in their fur. I was passing in and out of the darkness, each situation changing each time as I opened my eyes. It was hard watching the two of them bicker. Erwin helping me onto the saddle of the horse and pressed his firm chest against my back, holding me up with an arm while his other was on the reigns.

The gush of air pushed against me and the clamorous sound of hooves clacking against the ground. I got lulled by the rocking motion, leaning back against Erwin and slouching. My head rolled back onto his shoulder, my eyes looked at his face and taking in each feature. His blue eyes concentrated ahead. He had a fair complexion and had a cool tone. Which got complimented by his hair that got combed back.

For a moment, he looked down at me with his water-colored blue eyes. His eyes carried a depth of sorrow that I didn't understand. "Am I dying?" I asked him, my voice getting carried away with the sound of hooves and cry of the wind whistling past my ears. He furrowed his bushy eyebrows and looked away, letting out a tormented and shaky sign.

"No, you are going to live." He said with confidence. His shame, and sorrow underlying the unvarnished truth that he tried to keep. I chuckled and stared at his neck. Erwin's Adam's apple bobbed up and down when he swallowed. He moved my head and made me look into his eyes once again. "You are not going to die." He repeated.

I nodded, grasping his hand in mine and leaning into it. "Your hand is warm... I never thought people's hands were warm. The ones that touched me were always so cold..." My eyesight became blurry and I felt my tears running down my cheeks. The cold night bit at them, making my face heat up. "I'm not scared. Of dying - ever more at peace than now."

Erwin wrapped the arm that held me up around me, pressing me close to him. My breath was shallow and my tears flowed down like a river. My head leaned against his neck. Forehead against the warmth and hearing him swallow and breath. "As your brother now, I won't let you die. I will protect you, I promise."

I gripped his shirt, letting a breath out. "Thank you for being so kind. It has been a... long time... I wanted to... See my family once again." Everything is so heavy, the air gripped my body in a cold frenzy. Contradicting the heat that radiated from Erwin and enveloped me the best it could. "Thank you... Erwin. Hanji."

"He is about to go! We need to hurry!"

"We are ten minutes til!"


	5. Chapter 4

**_It never got too cold where we lived._**

 ** _I remember the first time I saw snow._**

 ** _I reached down and pulled out a pile, the cold frost in my hands made them red and burn but it was pleasant. My mother was covered from head to toe in pelts from the times Father went out hunting. He always made sure she was warm because of her fragile body and taught me to hunt when I was much young so I could fend for myself._**

 ** _No matter how fragile she was, she looked like a beautiful sun goddess that I have read in my story books, my father the night that complimented her day. No matter how fragile she was, she looked like a beautiful sun goddess that I have read in my story books, my father the night that complimented her day. Her eyes are a mesmerizing l blue that reflected the light like water while she had upturned eyes which made her long lashes bat against the fat of her eyebrow. Her pink uneven lips were a little crooked into a lopsided smile, half of her face twitching slightly before it responded to mirror the other side. What framed her flawless face was her hair that was as thick as a horse's mane, the dark color that could rival the night.  
I spun around and tossed the snow into the air with a cry of joy, the snow falling once again but this time on my face. My parents watched me from the side, my mother rubbing her slightly swollen belly and father making sure she was comfortable as she watched me._**

 ** _I never understood where people like me came from, or how a family is family._**

 ** _Everybody is family, no matter who they came from or what they did before._**

 ** _Father always taught me to welcome people and ideas._**

 ** _Mother taught me to be kind and understanding._**

~

"Stabilize him, we need him alive!"

"Yes, sir!"

Drifting in and out of the darkness, there was a stabbing feeling every now and then that felt like needles piercing my thin skin. My wings felt torn but not detached, broken maybe. My chest was burning in pain, burning like hellfire. I deserved this. It was my fault.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered to myself, a tear slithering out from my eye. My thoughts swirled around my head, whispering and sometimes screaming my flaws and all the pain I deserved. Making sure to empty my face of all emotion, I opened my eyes slowly while my mind was screaming at me more and more. My lips moved slightly and I pleaded with the emptiness that enveloped my entire being.

"Hey, none of that now.." A woman's voice cooed at me and placed her warm hand on my cheek, it was slightly sweaty. Her hand was not only cold but calloused with thick skin, most of it around her finger pads, and palms. It was refreshing. "It is too soon to come here." A whimper came out from my lips. I could feel the sunlight on my skin once again, cleansing my body the best that it could. "Don't close yourself off, let yourself to feel. It is good. It is okay to cry." This woman kept cooing into my ear until I fell asleep once again. My heart burned from the sadness.

~

My eyes opened and I was in another room. My head throbbed with pain and I moaned lightly, grabbing it in hopes that it would stop for a while. "Fuck me, shit.." Cursing, I peeked at the room around me. It was furnished with not only the bed I was in but cabinets that held odd liquids and jars. Above me was a window, the sun cascading its rays into the room and brightening it.

A woman came in, her frameless glasses were twisted to the side a little while she read some papers that were in her hand. "Ahh, kiddo... You've had it tough." Hanji kept her head down and sniffed softly. I didn't say anything while I kept on watching her slumped shoulders. She had a different pair of glasses, ones that were round and framed her face nicely.

"Hey, Hanji..." I blinked quickly and raised my hand to give her a small wave. She turned around quickly and her face cracked into an open smile, rushing towards me as if it wasn't entirely real. She took my hand in hers and squeezed it. It wasn't the monstrous strength she had before.

She yelled for a person named Moblit. He came in and wrote down things that the woman said. "You are supposed to be out for another day, still healing." She pushed her glasses up and then my blanket down, exposing my upper torso. I tried to cover my bottom half the best that I could. "Amazing! You have been comatose for nearly two weeks. This is Moblit, my assistant."

Hanji started unraveling the bandages on my body, I don't remember where I got these from. My wounds, where they should have been, were closed and only the stitching was left with pink lines underneath them and some with dark red scabbing. A doctor came in on time and took care of pulling the stitches out, and yes, that did hurt but I didn't allow myself to show it.

The male doctor tugged the string and it slid out slowly. One by one they all came out and he put the medical strings on a metal sheet that was on a table next to him. "Amazing~" Hanji mused as my wings twitched, taking off the makeshift splints that kept my wings in place.

The doctor, with the help of Hanji, stepped back with the bandages. I flexed my wings, stretching them, flapping them in the air to test them out a bit. Hanji squealed, clapping her hands and then grabbing the book that Moblit was writing in. "Amazing. Healed in two weeks from extreme lacerations, scabbing in some parts but scars are fresh-"

"Hanji, I thought you weren't a doctor." The doctor bends my limbs lightly, looking at some of the scabs and putting patches on them to help for protection. She groaned lightly, rolling her eyes dramatically before looking up from her book. Moblit smiled a little, covering his mouth so that Hanji wouldn't see.

"I'm not! I am a scientist, two very different things!"

~

There was a knock on the door and I uttered a greeting for the person stepping it. I didn't look up from the reading and writing materials that laid on my lap. There were simple children's books and writing practices for me, and what irritated me the most was that fact that I couldn't fully understand them without a dictionary, but even then, I couldn't understand the fucking dictionary.

"I see that you are awake." My head snapped upwards and smiled lightly at the person in front of me. After a few seconds of an awkward silence, he moved to my side quickly and ruffled my messy hair. "You gave all of us a good scare." I could feel my heart skip a beat from his touch.

My face flushed with heat and I looked away, giving a short and embarrassing breath. "Heh..." I flickered my gaze from the bed to him, seeing his kind blue eyes with such hope, it almost broke my heart. I moved my hand slowly and cupped his cheek lightly, rubbing my thumb softly against his cheek. Erwin didn't move, he just let me touch his smooth skin, peering into those bottomless eyes.

"Oi, don't fall in love with me," Erwin softly spoke to me, his lips turning upward a bit in a smirk. I laughed lightly and pulled my hand away, teasing him back.

"Who would?"

We both laughed with each other.

~

He was a higher up, second in command, somebody, who took the lives of his soldiers onto his shoulders. I looked at the tea cup in my hands and I felt the warmth of it swell a bit. It has been another week and the doctors were mainly working on my current weight problem."While you were under, I went on a mission in the outer walls. We lost so many..." My head bobbed lightly, thinking about the human casualties that were either devoured or injured due to the titans.

I looked him in the eyes and could see the passion that burned in his bright blue eyes. It was intoxicating and gave me hope, something I haven't felt in a long time. I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming of emotions surge through me. "It's okay Erwin, it's... It's..." I couldn't find any words to help him. Everything that I thought of wouldn't help in this situation, I didn't know what to say to comfort him.

His eyes were soft and glimmered with a fragile look to them, like porcelain or a type of delicate glass. My hands moved quickly, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him into a hug, stroking along the way his blond hair swirled to the side. "I'm sorry Erwin. You couldn't save them..." We just sat there hugging each other. To think that every time they ventured outside these walls, an average of ten to twenty comrades dies.

A father.

A mother.

A sister.

A brother.

Would be gone.

~

The days blurred together and it was two main people who would come to visit me. Hanji would examine my wings and Erwin would have tea with me while doing some of his paperwork. I wasn't naked any longer but was wearing Erwin's shirt that had holes in the back for my wings to pop out in and a pair of Hanji's shorts. The shirt was a baggy button up on me and the shorts allowed me to move unobstructedly. They couldn't find me any underwear, there was only so much they could do for me.

"They seemed to be doing well.." The four-eyed woman mused as she extended and flexed my left wing, going onto my right to do the equivalent. "Just like a titan, they look heavy but they are actually lightweight... Interesting..." Giggling, Hanji gave me a crazed look. "I wonder how your nerves and blood vessels look like at their base. Oh, how I would love to see that~!"

"Hanji, they are probably hollow like a bird so he could fly. You should dissect birds first before moving to him." Erwin sipped his tea and looked at the papers that were laid on my legs. He was using me as a desk. "You are not allowed to touch him like that without my go-ahead."

Hanji bickered with Erwin for a while over the ethics and humanity of dissecting me, even a little. They are so funny, almost like they are coupled. Erwin bit back his tongue from speaking much more and went back to his papers. He stood up from his seat and gathered the papers at my bedside. "Erwin, I want to join the Survey Corps."

He stopped what he was doing, freezing for a moment and then moving once again. "No." Denying me, I furrowed my eyebrows and clenched my bedsheets in my hand, crinkling them. "Not in the state that you are in now. Nonetheless, no."

"I am going to join when I am healthy enough! I just need to gain a couple more pounds!"

"No!"

"Erwin! This isn't something that you can decide for me! I am going to join and that is final!"

Erwin slammed his fist on the arm of the medical bed. I could see the muscles in his arms move, being put to use. The bed rattled, shaking me lightly but it didn't scare me. "Can't you understand? This isn't child's play, we are putting our lives on the line!" I glared back at him, straightening up my back and huffing.

"And you don't think I know that already, Er? I can't sit here and do nothing while the people I care about most are at the risk of dying!" I looked around the room for Hanji. She endured the conversation by the kettle that was in the corner of the room, her back turned to us. I could tell she was listening by how tense her shoulders were. "Hanji, speak some sense into him!"

"E-Erwin.." She started, turning around somber look on her face. "You know you can't stop him. Shadis will recruit him as long as he is Commander..."

I got out of bed and stumbled a bit like a newly born fawn, clinging to Erwin to support. It has been weeks since I moved my legs to this extent. "I am not allowing anything hold me back. Train me. You know me best." I looked up at him and adjusted my footwork, moving away from him and going slowly towards the door. "If you don't then I will just go through it like the civilians."

~

After a few months, I was deemed healthy enough by doctors to start moving on my own and to train myself at a moderate pace. Erwin and I haven't talked and regretted forcing Hanji into the dispute, forcing her to take a side. It plagued my thoughts for disturbing the both of them, but this didn't stop me from working out.

I was currently running and it was near dawn. The chilly air sting away at my skin while I sweated, the heat fighting against the chill. My lungs burned from breathing too fast, my legs felt like lead, my stomach was in agony like it was going to force me to throw up. I couldn't stop now, though. I know that I could push myself a bit more, just a bit more before I couldn't move any longer. I adjusted the goggles that Hanji lent me. I couldn't see very well from living in darkness for such a long time and needed tinted sunglasses to help me with the process of getting used to the sunlight. I was as blind as her without them. The sun seeped through the top of the horizon and there was a bed of grass and flowers. I have been running this trail for a week or so, and I have never come across this gorgeous scene.

"What do you think you are doing here?" My blood flowed with the adrenaline flowing throughout my entire body for a moment, twisting my body and swinging my leg to hit his side. Erwin quickly caught my leg, grabbing it and twisting, making me fall on the dirt. Erwin held onto my leg and shifted my weight to make a stumbling land. I cried out lightly and landed on my side, trying to get my leg out of his grasp. I moved it feverishly, shaking it heavily and giving him a cold glare.

His eyes were an icy blue, different from the warm ones that he would look at me with. "What do you want?" I spat at him while the pain surged from my twisted leg, shivering its way up my backbone. He didn't speak for a while before tossing my leg to the side. "Damn it, what do you want?"

"I'll allow it." He spoke slowly to me. A perplexed look contorted onto my face and I shifted myself so I was looking at him properly. "I'll allow you to join the Survey Corps..." I ignored him for a while and picked at the grass beneath me, glaring at it while the flowers around me swayed with the breeze.

Erwin shifted his weight in front of me, moving down to kneel. "Train me," I commanded bravely. His mouth formed a tight line, his eyes flickering a bit in their blue chroma.

"For humanity and myself, I will make you one of the best."


	6. Chapter 5

I gasped loudly and looked around the small room that was encompassed in the darkness of the night, the only light seeping through was the moonlight. Licking my chapped lips lightly, pupils dilating and shifting to look around the room. A loud gulp echoed in my ears and shifting my lower half out of the bed, tossing the blanket so it draped to the side of the bed. A cold tremble found its way up my spine. My wings drooped downward lazily and flickered every now and then.

"Mother.," I spoke softly, looking out the window and making my way towards it. How long has it been since that very day? Approximately ten years and her death still woke me up and cold sweats of the life I once lived with my family. I sat my bottom down on the window sill, peering into the recruitment camp that trained the green cadets. I thought back fondly to my cadet years, discerning how Erwin would train me harsher than the proctor.

My fingers moved themselves to the side of my scarred and calloused hand, smiling lightly while I forgot about the dream in a split second, moving onto a new memory that was embedded in my flesh.

~

 _"Don't look away from me!" Erwin's once stoic face held a ferocity that shook terror within my core, a new side of him that I never thought to see, a predatory violence. I held the wooden knife in my hand, jumping quickly as he swept a leg 'neath mine to try and unbalance me. Erwin, who was always at least two steps ahead of me threw a fist towards my face._

 _"Erwin!" I shriek while moving my head, flapping my wings in panic pushing myself back. His knuckles grazed my cheek but it was enough to leave a bruise overnight. My hands moved quickly on their own, as if muscle memory, and grabbed his arm. I mimicked the movement that he once used on me to twist my leg behind me. Pushing his shoulder, I twisted his arm in a quick snap and forced his body to face the other way._

 _"Good..." The blond panted lightly. We were both sweating at this point, my eyes focused on him. "Good." I let go of his arm and saluted him, waiting for his evaluation. "But I didn't say stop!" My eyes widened in shock and moved back, stumbling over my feet and landing on my backside. Erwin was on top of me while I clenched the knife in my hand. His other hand was trying to force the wooden object out of my hand while the free hand held my own in place with a firm grasp. One thinks that I didn't account for was his ruthlessness._

 _ **Craaaaack~**_ __

 _The sound seemed to have lingered in the background while we glared at each other with determination to win the bout. He has won the most, granted he was teaching me, but I only managed to win by dumb luck. We grunted and chests expanded then deflated._

 _The wooden knife in half in our hands._

 _Erwin's grip loosened on my free hand and I transferred the splintered and broken weapon. I blocked my face from getting another hit, slicing my skin with the splinters and accidentally dragging the broken end of the knife across the back of my hand longways. Erwin pushed off of me and now it was my turn to flip the table on him. My legs pushed me forward and I drove at his legs, making sure to take the giant tree down to the ground. Crawling upwards, I grabbed at random spots of his clothing to help me up and hopefully help control him. I was not going to let him conquer. Not this time._

 _The fire burned once again._

 _And I was not going to lose!_

 _"Ahhhgh!" I straddled his hips and brought the defective wooden blade upwards. I screamed my lungs out and made sure that every animal could hear it. Everybody was going to hear my victory. Erwin's ice blue eyes were dilated and full of shock. Enjoying his comedown, I pushed the weapon downward and sunk it in._

 _I sunk it into the ground next to his head._

~

One thing that clung to me from my past is the habit of sleeping naked. I loved how the cold air from the window would cool my body and my body would burrito itself into the blankets for warmth. Never once, have I ever regretted anything that I have done...

Except for one time...

My hands lingered from my hand and shadowed over my neck, rubbing it while the other fell to my side. I licked my lips slowly, biting at the cracks and tearing the skin off slowly. The pain bit me back while I tried to think, only the emptiness taking over. It felt like I was swimming in a large pond where there were no boundaries of earth, just water with colorful fish of all sizes and the water tasted salty on my tongue, making it water lightly.

Though I was swimming in this large pond, my stomach contorted and lungs burned in a fury. I was drowning in the emptiness of my skull and swimming with the ideas and memories that I couldn't understand though they were there and in front of me.

My windows were open. Frankly, the entire room was bare except for a bed and office area opposite of the room. There was a plain bookshelf full of, guess what, books- Some journals of my own and other were research- and then there were books upon books stacked on each other, next to one another, and laying down on the large shelf. My bed was metal, easily collapsible and non-permanent with thick blankets that were shoved off with the sheets crunched up in the middle.

I closed my eyes then felt my stomach, my fingertips gliding over the smooth skin lightly until I felt another scar at my hip, running upward towards my belly button. A gust of air breathed against my naked skin and weaved in between my feathers. "Huh.." My fingers prodded at the old scar that protruded like a mountain against the evenness of my surface. The visions came back to me, hard.

~

 _"Stop moving you piece of shit!"_

 _"Erwin and Miche will find me! You won't get away with this!"_

 _"Tch, such a cliche thing to say... I'm bored waiting around, let's make this fun!"_

 _"D-Don't touch me! Stop! Put the knife away!"_

 _"You think you can do whatever you want just because you are in the military, commanding people as if they are your victims..."_

 _"H-ha Aaa!"_

 _"That's right, scream. Cry, they won't hear you. I vow to make this hurt."_

 _"By the walls, stop it! Erwin- Hanji- Fucking hell- Mitch!"_

 _"Don't stop.. Don't stop screaming..."_

 _"You are psychopathic bastard!"_

 _"Your tears taste rich."_

 _"Stop touching me...!"_

 _"Your voice is getting fainter."_

 _"Please, I didn't do anything."_

 _"You sent my brother off to die, how can you sleep at night with the souls of those who died resenting you?"_

 _"I-It is for the good of humanity!"_

 _"If Man is what you are protecting, are you viewed human with these feathers?"_

 _"I am as human as you."_

 _"Ohhh~ I like that tone. Dull and hoarse~"_

 _"I will kill you."_

 _"Mmm, very nice. Go dream, my angel."_

 _"I will... K-Kill you..."_

 _"Is humanity still worth it if there is neither left?"_

~

I blinked my eyelids suddenly and cleaned my eye, feeling something get into it. Sometimes, I wondered how it would be like to have my family again. Wondered how it would be to be with my father and mother once again, how it would be if I could just slip away into limbo to see them through the gates of heaven.

I would only be able to see them through the gates of heaven.

"No use thinking about them, they are dead." My feet carried me away from the large window and I sat on my bed. The wings of my back moved and aligned themselves on my back. Whenever I felt them, and anger blazed up inside of me that seemed to have brought within as a vengeance. I want them gone, I want them to be rid of my body.

Then there was depression because I couldn't simply rip them off, it didn't work that way. My back hunched forward and my mouth opened to let out a cry. Why did I have to have this? Did it have to be me? I just stared at the floor under my toes and stared at it. My stomach was empty and my body felt weightless. It was like I was dead inside with no emotion left, no tears left to cry out. My chested moved quickly and I heaved with an unexpected rapidity, a croak, scaring me slightly. I covered my mouth and gripped it tightly so I didn't do it again.

'Please, cry...' The voice in my head pleaded, begged me to release but I bottled it up. I was a captain now so I have to be strong for the people who are by my side. 'Cry...' It said once again. My eyes shut closed and body rocked involuntarily. The creaks of the bed echoed softly and my feet moved from the ground to the lower bar of the bed frame, slowly curling my body over my knees. I will not break down.


	7. Chapter 6

I gasped loudly and looked around the small room that was encompassed in the darkness of the night, the only light seeping through was the moonlight. Licking my chapped lips lightly, pupils dilating and shifting to look around the room. A loud gulp echoed in my ears and shifting my lower half out of the bed, tossing the blanket so it draped to the side of the bed. A cold tremble found its way up my spine. My wings drooped downward lazily and flickered every now and then.

"Mother.," I spoke softly, looking out the window and making my way towards it. How long has it been since that very day? Approximately ten years and her death still woke me up and cold sweats of the life I once lived with my family. I sat my bottom down on the window sill, peering into the recruitment camp that trained the green cadets. I thought back fondly to my cadet years, discerning how Erwin would train me harsher than the proctor.

My fingers moved themselves to the side of my scarred and calloused hand, smiling lightly while I forgot about the dream in a split second, moving onto a new memory that was embedded in my flesh.

~

 _"Don't look away from me!" Erwin's once stoic face held a ferocity that shook terror within my core, a new side of him that I never thought to see, a predatory violence. I held the wooden knife in my hand, jumping quickly as he swept a leg 'neath mine to try and unbalance me. Erwin, who was always at least two steps ahead of me threw a fist towards my face._

 _"Erwin!" I shriek while moving my head, flapping my wings in panic pushing myself back. His knuckles grazed my cheek but it was enough to leave a bruise overnight. My hands moved quickly on their own, as if muscle memory, and grabbed his arm. I mimicked the movement that he once used on me to twist my leg behind me. Pushing his shoulder, I twisted his arm in a quick snap and forced his body to face the other way._

 _"Good..." The blond panted lightly. We were both sweating at this point, my eyes focused on him. "Good." I let go of his arm and saluted him, waiting for his evaluation. "But I didn't say stop!" My eyes widened in shock and moved back, stumbling over my feet and landing on my backside. Erwin was on top of me while I clenched the knife in my hand. His other hand was trying to force the wooden object out of my hand while the free hand held my own in place with a firm grasp. One thinks that I didn't account for was his ruthlessness._

 _ **Craaaaack~**_ __

 _The sound seemed to have lingered in the background while we glared at each other with determination to win the bout. He has won the most, granted he was teaching me, but I only managed to win by dumb luck. We grunted and chests expanded then deflated._

 _The wooden knife in half in our hands._

 _Erwin's grip loosened on my free hand and I transferred the splintered and broken weapon. I blocked my face from getting another hit, slicing my skin with the splinters and accidentally dragging the broken end of the knife across the back of my hand longways. Erwin pushed off of me and now it was my turn to flip the table on him. My legs pushed me forward and I drove at his legs, making sure to take the giant tree down to the ground. Crawling upwards, I grabbed at random spots of his clothing to help me up and hopefully help control him. I was not going to let him conquer. Not this time._

 _The fire burned once again._

 _And I was not going to lose!_

 _"Ahhhgh!" I straddled his hips and brought the defective wooden blade upwards. I screamed my lungs out and made sure that every animal could hear it. Everybody was going to hear my victory. Erwin's ice blue eyes were dilated and full of shock. Enjoying his comedown, I pushed the weapon downward and sunk it in._

 _I sunk it into the ground next to his head._

~

One thing that clung to me from my past is the habit of sleeping naked. I loved how the cold air from the window would cool my body and my body would burrito itself into the blankets for warmth. Never once, have I ever regretted anything that I have done...

Except for one time...

My hands lingered from my hand and shadowed over my neck, rubbing it while the other fell to my side. I licked my lips slowly, biting at the cracks and tearing the skin off slowly. The pain bit me back while I tried to think, only the emptiness taking over. It felt like I was swimming in a large pond where there were no boundaries of earth, just water with colorful fish of all sizes and the water tasted salty on my tongue, making it water lightly.

Though I was swimming in this large pond, my stomach contorted and lungs burned in a fury. I was drowning in the emptiness of my skull and swimming with the ideas and memories that I couldn't understand though they were there and in front of me.

My windows were open. Frankly, the entire room was bare except for a bed and office area opposite of the room. There was a plain bookshelf full of, guess what, books- Some journals of my own and other were research- and then there were books upon books stacked on each other, next to one another, and laying down on the large shelf. My bed was metal, easily collapsible and non-permanent with thick blankets that were shoved off with the sheets crunched up in the middle.

I closed my eyes then felt my stomach, my fingertips gliding over the smooth skin lightly until I felt another scar at my hip, running upward towards my belly button. A gust of air breathed against my naked skin and weaved in between my feathers. "Huh.." My fingers prodded at the old scar that protruded like a mountain against the evenness of my surface. The visions came back to me, hard.

~

 _"Stop moving you piece of shit!"_

 _"Erwin and Miche will find me! You won't get away with this!"_

 _"Tch, such a cliche thing to say... I'm bored waiting around, let's make this fun!"_

 _"D-Don't touch me! Stop! Put the knife away!"_

 _"You think you can do whatever you want just because you are in the military, commanding people as if they are your victims..."_

 _"H-ha Aaa!"_

 _"That's right, scream. Cry, they won't hear you. I vow to make this hurt."_

 _"By the walls, stop it! Erwin- Hanji- Fucking hell- Mitch!"_

 _"Don't stop.. Don't stop screaming..."_

 _"You are psychopathic bastard!"_

 _"Your tears taste rich."_

 _"Stop touching me...!"_

 _"Your voice is getting fainter."_

 _"Please, I didn't do anything."_

 _"You sent my brother off to die, how can you sleep at night with the souls of those who died resenting you?"_

 _"I-It is for the good of humanity!"_

 _"If Man is what you are protecting, are you viewed human with these feathers?"_

 _"I am as human as you."_

 _"Ohhh~ I like that tone. Dull and hoarse~"_

 _"I will kill you."_

 _"Mmm, very nice. Go dream, my angel."_

 _"I will... K-Kill you..."_

 _"Is humanity still worth it if there is neither left?"_

~

I blinked my eyelids suddenly and cleaned my eye, feeling something get into it. Sometimes, I wondered how it would be like to have my family again. Wondered how it would be to be with my father and mother once again, how it would be if I could just slip away into limbo to see them through the gates of heaven.

I would only be able to see them through the gates of heaven.

"No use thinking about them, they are dead." My feet carried me away from the large window and I sat on my bed. The wings of my back moved and aligned themselves on my back. Whenever I felt them, and anger blazed up inside of me that seemed to have brought within as a vengeance. I want them gone, I want them to be rid of my body.

Then there was depression because I couldn't simply rip them off, it didn't work that way. My back hunched forward and my mouth opened to let out a cry. Why did I have to have this? Did it have to be me? I just stared at the floor under my toes and stared at it. My stomach was empty and my body felt weightless. It was like I was dead inside with no emotion left, no tears left to cry out. My chested moved quickly and I heaved with an unexpected rapidity, a croak, scaring me slightly. I covered my mouth and gripped it tightly so I didn't do it again.

'Please, cry...' The voice in my head pleaded, begged me to release but I bottled it up. I was a captain now so I have to be strong for the people who are by my side. 'Cry...' It said once again. My eyes shut closed and body rocked involuntarily. The creaks of the bed echoed softly and my feet moved from the ground to the lower bar of the bed frame, slowly curling my body over my knees. I will not break down.


End file.
